Wow! Two days has passed by and I have not written in this blog. Well I missed it. Writing can be very healing as far as getting to put down on paper the thoughts that bother you and at the same time it's revealing in seeing your character as others do. Sometimes, the truth does hurt, especially when it's coming from yourself.
The other day I posted 3 topics that were weighing heavily on my mind. These topics are going to let you know a little of who I am and what I go through on a day to day basis. The first topic is "God Keep Me Sober Today" plays an important part of waking up and asking a Higher Power of my choice to help me stay sober and with this comes actions, emotions, time spent in the day, rest, and relationships (work, family, friends, and acquaintances). Have I covered everything that could possibly happen in a single day? lol! This simple phrase covers them all. And if I don't like the way my day is going I can always stop and start my day over by saying this short, yet powerful phrase in the middle of my day and start over.
The idea to keep me sober is not only a novel idea on my part, but on everyone's part. When I drink (or drug) everyone is affected. I can't think straight enough to be responsible for anything and everything I mentioned in the previous paragraph is chaotic. Staying away from alcohol is the smartest thing I have ever done since I am starting to see the potential, skills, and gifts I have to make a difference in the world. It's a great feeling not to sit alone in a room and wonder when the end is going to come. Now that my eyes are opening up, I am looking forward to keeping things going rather than ending them.
An example of how this little phrase can help me is when I left Macon, Ga to travel to Ft. Lauderdale last Wednesday. (This is the Handling Emotions part) For those of you just joining in, I was hired to be on a training team for a regional airline here in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. As I was leaving Macon, and after several goodbyes from the phone (afar) and in person, I ventured out to the airport. Here is where I have to be careful. My emotions were all over the place as if I was multi-tasking in several different areas. I was happy, then I would cry a little, then I would was a little upset that David and Rosco couldn't come with me, I was unsure of how I was going to get my meds and when that would occur, and I was also excited to venture out and see what the world has to offer me. Since this is a lot for me to handle, I give it away to someone that can handle it. In a 12 step program, you are asked to trust in a spiritual being that can help you get through times like these. Since I had reserved feelings of turning to a God where the members of His church reject me because I am who I am and I have always been gay since birth. If the doctor said "5, 6, 7 8.." then I knew immediately what to do.
So all of these emotions were welling up inside me. Since I was traveling and didn't have time to make a meeting, I had to bring the meeting to me. I used the tools I am learning to live normally (whatever that is) to help calm me down. the big test would be checking into my flight. I walked up to the Delta attendant so I could check my bag and he told me my bag was 61 lbs. which was 11 lbs too heavy. He said he would have to charge me $25.00. If I took out some clothes, and got the bag down to 50 lbs or under, then he would check both bags for free. He told me I get two free checked bags. This was no problem for me because hidden away in my larger bag was a smaller bag just in case this scenario happened. I stepped aside and quickly placed my shoes, and a whole lot of t-shirts and shorts into the smaller bag. I went back to the ticket counter and the guy that told me to take some clothes out was gone. I was greeted by another agent. As he weighed my larger bag it was only 48 lbs. I can't believe shoes, t-shirts, and shorts can weigh so much. No wonder we are always tired, or at least myself.
The 2nd bag was only 13 lbs, but then he said "I need $25.00 for the extra bag." Now I have a choice here. I could steam up, get really mad, and demand that my bag go on for free or I could listen to what he was trying to tell me. First of all, he was very courteous and loving in telling me this. He wasn't a mess, I was. I was the one emotional and needing to explode, so I held back. I had to remember all of the emotions that I was going through prior to meeting this man. He was an innocent bystander waiting for me to pounce on him. I took a deep breath and explained to him what the other gentleman told me. He said "He may have told you wrong because you get 2 carry ons for free and anytime you check a bag, you have to pay $25.00. I don't know why the computer is saying just $25.00, but that's what I have to collect." I took another breath because this response still didn't warrant an attack, but in taking the breath, it helped me to think. D. has always told me to ask for a manager or supervisor if this ever happens. He said "You don't have to be ugly about it because the guy or gal in front of you doesn't have the authority to do anything." So I had to think how I was going to ask him. If I gave him sugar and spice then I might get something done, but if I gave him ugly then the situation and my whole day could get ugly. So I said "I understand and thank you for letting me know. Is there a manager I could speak to or someone I can write or call in to speak to?" He immediately said "Sure. Instead of calling let me let you talk to someone in person." He couldn't find anyone that was available to come to me and I was starting to feel agitated and worried I was going to miss my flight.
While we waited for a supervisor, I made the decision to pay for the bag, and call Delta later. I wasn't ugly and I appreciated the person in front of me. I was still upset this happened, but I was proud of myself I was able to walk through the fear of being tough and show the person in front of me I was not pleased. We can do this without being angry, but without the phrase "God keep me sober today" I think it's totally impossible to do. Some people may be able to do this, but throughout my life I never wanted to cause trouble. That sort of thinking left me unhappy. When I got to the flight, I had the best flight attendant that I could have. She was polite, professional, and regulated meaning she didn't substitute nice for safety. I think if I would have blown up at the ticket counter, I might not have seen the pleasantness and professionalism of this person.
Today's post is one of many instances I have to work on each day. I am not perfect and I have made great progress in some areas and in other areas (some days), I take 2 steps backward. That's life though. We can't be perfect all of the time, but we can surely make an attempt to live a better life. When I write this, I think of D. who has seen all of my moods good and bad, moodswings, anger, frustrations etc. He has helped me to look at myself differently and to practice a more relaxed feeling about life. I have a long way to go, but today, I am willing to take a look and see where I have been and where I want to go.
A round of hugs and smiles for everyone
Ray
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